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Holiday Hints From the Children's Bereavement Center |
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When you anticipate or think about this holiday season does your mind become flooded with words like “endure, resent, anxiety, reminiscence, and maybe a touch of childhood joy and hope?” Holidays are often difficult and filled with ambivalence even during the best of times. And for those of us who have suffered the death of a loved one, the holidays seem to come at the wrong time of year and are replete with emotions.
The holiday season can be exceptionally difficult and no small burden. Often, rather than being a time of togetherness, joy and sharing, holidays can bring a host of feelings including sadness, loneliness, envy, and even anger. All around us are sights, sounds, flavors, and smells that may trigger memories of the past. All the while the present emptiness reminds us of the one we loved and lost, and of dreams unfulfilled. Even in a crowded mall or at a large party we may feel overwhelmingly isolated and more alone than ever. All of these thoughts, feelings and sensations are normal during this season, and during other anniversary events or milestones. Society doesn’t cancel the holidays, nor can most of us go into hibernation until they’re over. Maybe this year we can include some new and creative coping strategies to help us through the tougher times.
There is no right or wrong way to deal with the holidays, we must each decide what feels best and is most comforting. No simple list could ever alleviate the hurt and pain we may feel. First and foremost, find a supportive friend or confidante to whom you can express your thoughts and feelings. Include your loved one’s name in conversation and recollect past holidays and joys. Ignoring the feelings won’t make them go away. Cherish and embrace the treasure of your memories.
Many bereaved families have found unique and meaningful ways of remembering their loved one during this season. Here are some ideas and ways which have helped others and may provide additional support.
- Plan ahead. Create new traditions or keep the old - Serve your loved one’s favorite food - Journal your thoughts and feelings - Maintain a memorial light or candle - Dedicate a bench, tree, or book in their name - Publish a memorial note or poem in the newspaper or newsletter - Make a special time to look at photos or videos - Donate in your loved one’s name - Allow some quiet time, take a walk, name a star - Forgive yourself if you are unable to function at your top level - Do only what you can - it’s OK to change how you celebrate
Remember, that by being understanding, patient and gentle with yourself you will continue to heal and maintain the continuing bond and love for the person you have lost. There is no magic to handling the holidays. Be kind to yourself.
Our best and warm wishes to all this holiday season, and throughout 2008.
For comments regarding this article contact: Carol Berns, Psy.D., F.T. Program Director Children's Bereavement
Center 305-668-4902
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